The Healthy Family in the Small Church Ministry
By Dr. Glenn and Rebecca Daman
While the ministry has incredible joys and triumphs, it can take a toll upon the family. When we devote our lives to the full-time ministry, we do so with a sense of excitement and anticipation of what Christ will do through us, and a willingness to sacrifice our time, energies and personal comforts for the cause of the kingdom. Those who last in the ministry and overcome the hardships and hurts understand and accept the mandate that we are to daily take up our cross and follow Christ. Jesus himself makes it clear that serving him involves setting aside personal pleasures and desires and being willing to sacrifice oneself for others (Luke 9:23). Nevertheless, Paul, in establishing the qualifications of those who aspire to lead a congregation, makes it clear that the family should never be sacrificed on the altar of service. Instead, for one to be a genuine leader and have God's approval one must first be a strong leader within the home, guiding his family toward spiritual maturity (1 Timothy 3:4-5). According to Paul, one who neglects his family "has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Timothy 5:8). To protect the family from the pressures and negative influences of the ministry is not only necessary for an effective ministry, is a spiritual duty that we must fulfill. To do so, we carefully need to identify those influences that adversely affect the family and take counter measures to maintain our overall spiritual, emotional and physical health. While every church, of any size, has areas of stress upon the family, some are more acutely realized within the small church context.
1. Time management.
Because the pastor of a small church is the only staff member, when a crisis or problem requiring a minister arises within the church, he is the one called. Dinners are interrupted and the family is left playing games at home on a family-night while we go to some parishioners crisis. The evening schedule quickly fills as the church expects the pastor to attend every meeting. Days off and vacations are interrupted, postponed or canceled because of the death of a parishioner, a family crisis within the congregation or the schedule of the church that does not allow for us to leave for any extended time. The idea of a sabbatical for preparing a sermon schedule, establishing goals and direction for the congregation, or educational learning, is not only a luxury but a pipe-dream. While occasions arise when sacrificing an evening, a day off or cutting short a vacation is inevitable within the small church ministry, we also need to be aware of the importance of the Sabbath. When God set aside a day of rest, he did so for all humanity, including those within the ministry. Christ himself recognized the importance of getting away from the crowds for physical, emotional and spiritual renewal (Mark 9:32). Rejuvenation is not only critical for the health of the individual minister but also for the whole family. We need time off to spend with the family so that we can provide the spiritual input and guidance necessary to raise children who love Christ. Doing so involves distinguishing between truly climatic events requiring immediate action, and issues that can be addressed later. The Sabbath rest also involves taking time for spiritual renewal. Events such as prayer summits, continuing education opportunities, and conferences are necessary for us to remain spiritually refreshed and challenged to continue faithfully serving others. Pastoral burnout brings a great loss for the kingdom. Far better it would be for us to take a day off than to become spiritual and emotionally empty and leave the ministry. When that happens, the cause of Christ greatly suffers.
2. Strained finances.
It has often been said that the problem with finances in the small church is that the wrong people have the wrong sermon. While the parishioners cry, "The just shall live by faith" the pastor continues prophetically to proclaim, "A man is worthy of his higher." In reality, most small church pastors willingly serve with meager salaries and most smaller congregations give generously and sacrificially. Nevertheless, a harsh reality many families face when serving in the small places is continual financial pressure, not because the people do not give generously, but because there are not enough people to give. For the wife this is especially agonizing as she struggles with the frustration of not being able to purchase items necessary for her family. The problem is further compounded by the church's lack of a retirement plan for the pastor. For the pastor, the idea of a saving for retirement seems out of the question when the family struggles to pay the necessary bills each month. Consequently, at the threshold of retirement many pastors wonder how they will live on the meager social security check they will receive. They have spent their whole ministry living in parsonages, never owning a home and never building any home equity. These financial strains often cause greater stress upon the family than any other pressure in the ministry. While the answers to these financial problems are not easily given, two critical principles can provide a foundation for stability. The first deals with our attitude toward money. Paul makes it clear that our motivation in the ministry should never be monetary reward (1 Peter 5:2). Instead, we are to focus upon the ministry, recognizing that the greatest remuneration for our work but the privilege of service (see Joshua 18:7). However, we should not foolishly disregard the physical and material needs of our family. Such an attitude reveals not only financial irresponsibility but stands contrary to the very faith he promotes (1 Timothy 5:4). Nevertheless, we must learn to trust in Christ's provision, recognizing that he will sufficiently supply our needs (Matthew 6:25-34; 10:9-10). The idea that we can and must trust God completely for our material needs may seem too simplistic and downright un- American to some, but it is biblical. The question is not how much we should be paid, but are we accomplishing God's purpose for our life and ministry. If so, then we can move with confidence and not fret about our income. The second answer for the financial pressures focuses upon our stewardship and use of money. While God holds us accountable to use all our possessions for his glory and ministry (1 Timothy 6:17- 19), he also wants us to enjoy the benefits of what he has given us (Deuteronomy 14:25-26). To be good stewards we should follow four key principles. First, except major purchases, such as a car or house, stay out of debt. When we become financially paralyzed by debt, not only will our pocketbook suffer, but so will our ministry. Second, develop and stick to a realistic budget. Spending more than our income results in financial ruin. Third, develop a strategy for saving money, even if it is just a few dollars each month. There are several mutual funds available that enable a person to make minimum investments by having automatic withdrawals. Last, budget for family fun and relaxation. This is not only important for the emotional and mental health of the whole family, but critical for developing lasting family relationships. By thinking creatively, the options are limitless for events that will cost little and fit within any budget. Planning a picnic at a local lake, a hike in a national park or a night of popcorn and a movie with the family is not only inexpensive, but provides the mental and emotional break we need.
3. Isolation.
Many smaller church pastors and their families feel isolated from family, friends and colleagues. Two factors significantly influence this foreboding feeling. The first is geographic. The further the pastor and his family are separated from family, friends and co-workers, the more isolated they feel. The pastor's wife feels isolated because she has left her family and friends to follow the ministry of her husband. The pastor may sense the insolation because he does not have opportunity to interact with other pastors of like faith and practice or a staff with whom he can discuss internal problems within the church. A second factor leading to isolation is cultural. Simply moving into a community does not guarantee that one will be readily accepted by the community or congregation. Rural areas are often closed communities where relationships span decades. Inner city communities put up cultural barriers with outsiders. Suburban communities may be hesitant to accept people from other geographic regions of the country. New people, including the new pastor and his family, are viewed with suspicion because they bring new ideas that threaten the cultural equilibrium of the community's subculture. While he will be appreciated for his ministry and involvement, he remains a "newcomer." Friendships that move beyond the pastor-parishioner relationships are difficult to develop. This is equally true of the rest of the family. This can be problematic for the children who live with the "PK" label, especially in small villages. Unlike the larger cities where the "PK" label can be lost in the anonymity of the larger population, in the small towns, everyone knows they are the "PK." This affects their relationships with other children, especially if the community is dominated by another religious practice (such as a Baptist minister in a Catholic community). Sadly, having no significant friendships with people even within the congregation is common for pastors and their families. To overcome this sense of isolation, we should seek to fellowship with other ministers. If the church belongs to an association of churches or a denomination, it should be a part of the church's budget to send the pastor and his wife to the annual conference. By making it a priority to become involved in a local ministerial association, the minister can share his struggles and problems with people who can offer wise and timely counsel. If an association is not available, he and his wife should seek out another pastor and his wife in a neighboring town with whom they can regularly meet. Overcoming the cultural isolation is even more difficult and requires patience and time. To be brought into the "inner circle" of the community, people need to learn to trust them and see that their culture is accepted by the pastor. For a pastor in a farming community the way to gain acceptance is to learn to drive a grain truck and throw a calf. For the wife it may mean learning to can or quilt. For the children it may mean becoming involved in school activities that are the core of social interaction in the small community. In years past, conventional wisdom said that a pastor and his wife should not form close relationships with any select people within the congregation or community. To do so, it was argued, would result in favoritism and possible cliques. Such thinking was not only unhealthy but unbiblical. Paul recognized the importance of close companions when he asked that Timothy to come quickly to him in prison in Rome, not because he had such a great ministry that he needed help, but that he needed the encouragement that only a close friend brings (2 Timothy 4:22). Christ, while ministering to the twelve disciples, had a close and unique relationship with Peter, James and John. The sage writes of the value of a close companion in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. While we need to minister to the whole congregation, we also need have a few close friends with whom we can share the joys and struggles of life.
4. Expectations.
Often in jest it is said that the most important question when hiring a new pastor in a small congregation, is not how well he speaks or the theological degrees he has, but can his wife play the piano. Expectations that people have of the pastor's family are real and at times overwhelming. They expect us to attend every meeting. They have idealistic notions of what role we are to play. The wife is to be actively involved in specific ministries such as a Sunday School teacher and head of the women's ministry. The kids are to be positive role models both within the church and community. The congregation expects the whole family to be involved in the community, attending community events such as the High School basketball games, participate in local organizations such as the Lions and women's garden club, and a whole host of other activities that are the social centers of the area. To a certain extent catering to the expectations people have is part of "paying the rent" in the ministry. If we refuse to minister within the context of any of these expectations, we will lose trust with the people and their willingness to follow our leadership. However, we must be the aware that God has equipped and assigned us particular ministries based upon the spiritual gifts he has sovereignly bestowed. We cannot allow others to dictate and override his plan. To do so, not only results in frustration and burnout, but rejects God's sovereign and providential work within our life. Crucial to the small church ministry is the awareness that we and our family minister together as a team. Although only I may be the only one paid, my wife and I recognize that God has brought us together in marriage to serve him together though we may have different gifts and perhaps even different "full-time job." This teamwork in the ministry includes our children as well. When they are part of our team, not only does it enhance family unity, but it instills the importance of serving Christ within them. The family is not to be protected from ministering within the church, for every member should be involved. My task as the head of the home is to protect my wife and children from unrealistic demands that place a strait jacket upon them and upon God's special plan for their life. In ministry, whether ministering in a large church or small, looking upon the negatives of full- time service is easy for the pastor and his family. While there are many pressure points in serving a congregation, the ultimate key for family health is focusing upon the positives of the ministry rather than negatives, focusing upon the privilege of servicing Christ, the joy of seeing lives changed, and the satisfaction of relationships healed. If the focus is upon the negatives, the financial pressures, the long and unpredictable hours, the criticism and expectations of people, not only will the pastor and his wife become discouraged, but their children will become disillusioned in their faith. A healthy family in the ministry of the small church comes through a healthy perspective of serving Christ.